If There Is No Wind Row

"If there is no wind, ROW" is a Latin proverb, it's also a small plaque my mom has in her garage. Yesterday, on my first day back into "the city" from spending most of November in my writer and thinkers retreat, I was running around to get about 20 things done so I could return, here, to the mountain, and continue on my soul-searching quest.

All the while, I was having a pain. In my chest. Like near my heart, but not quite a heartache. No, this pain was more like "What am I doing with my life?" The kind of self-doubt and twinge of self-loathing that most don't expect from me and that to be honest, I thought I had expunged from my psyche. All I could think was WHY?

I've become accustomed to making my own decision and looking at the road ahead and making judgment calls on what's next. But here's the thing. THOSE things, those decisions were day-to-day. They weren't BIG. They weren't, for all intensive purposes, more permanent. They were temporary.

I've been making some big decisions this week. Some I've kept to myself, some I've shared with a close circle of friends, most I'll be sharing here with you in the near future. But let me say this. When sitting and struggling upon what to do next, I've been staying up really late at night and working on exercises to further define my passion and get going with the next steps in my life.

And I realized AHA! When I do make those big decisions, that's when the doubt comes. It's only natural, I've set my mind to something. I'm not turning back. And in my firm mental decision, I can start to panic. Like everyone else does. So I realized, I haven't expunged doubt, I just recognize it now as part of the process. It's almost a good thing. Like it only comes when I know I'm doing something for sure.

Friends have called, strangers have emailed - people ask all the time how they too can find their passion. And how they should know what it feels like when they've found it. _How they can get to that thing that makes them happy. _ I don't have one answer. Theories, thoughts to share, sure.

Yesterday I realized there is a phrase I can say when trying to find what to do next, how to find the motivation to discover what's next on your one true path. And that is to keep pushing forward. Other people can help, you can help yourself, but at the end of day, stuck in the middle of the lake on a boat with an oar, IF THERE IS NO WIND, ROW.

I now know I've been rowing hard, this year, this past month, hell my whole life. And I'll continue to row. Because it's part of who I am. I can sit in the middle of that lake and enjoy the beauty around me, the peace and stillness of quiet all around - but when push comes to shove - I'm strong enough to row myself anywhere I want to go. And chances are, searching deep enough, you are too.

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