So Much To Say But Where Are The Words

It's almost as if there is a huge black hole between the thoughts that swirl in my head and what makes it onto the screen. I know, I know, I was coming back to America from the Philippines and trips to Thailand, Cambodia and Burma and I promised epic tales of my adventures. So where are they Sloane? Where are they?

They're locked inside my tattered and battered heart while I'm scrambling for footing in a country I'm not sure I missed. Which is weird, because when I was gone I missed it a whole hell of a lot. I talked about America all the time, what is was like here, what the people were like, what the cities were like. I talked about you my offline friends reading this, and you my online friends who are part of my life even if we've never met.

You would think someone as "worldly" as me would understand this whole "grass is greener" complex better than most. Understand it and come to accept it, anticipate it even! I should know better! And those words, those self-loathing treacherous words are what makes me draw a blank when I sit down to write to you.

The ultimate irony, I have so much to say when I can't find a good connection to say it and with a good internet connection, I have little to say.

Well, let's back up just a bit. To be honest, I** was back about 1 day and dove head first at the speed of light into Cause It's My Birthday** and lord that has been no easy feat. For better or worse, I've been in front of the computer for about 12 hours a day (at least) working on the site, making contacts, writing, making this happen with my good friend Doug, and it's left me feeling exhausted. Worn.

I look over my pictures with a longing I can feel, I actually think you could hear it if you were close enough to me, it's like a thump-thump of a shoes falling down the stairs. It's not a bad sound, not a good one, just something you hear and shrug and keep going. And so I have to keep going, but man, am I torn up and twisted. Moving forward and transitioning from one situation to the next is never easy for me. I guess I know the moment one thing ends, something else starts and then that moment is over, it's gone. It's in my heart and in my memories but life, oh that wicked temptress, she moves on.

So I write to say that I'm still here. And I'm working harder than ever on this next thing, this next national fundraiser for malaria nets which is huge. Epic even. And I think about you every day, you this blog and the joy it brings me to press "publish." I'll get back to you, I swear, I just have to find something to say. And too many times, I've stared at the screen and just gone blank. It's all here wrapped up inside of me, I just have to untie myself and unravel the memories enough to share them with you. It's all there, I haven't forgotten my promises, I swear.

Yours, Sloane